Lonely, empty life without Nikki, night three. Tonight’s dinner isn’t delivery, it’s Digiorno. But all is not despair, because Digiorno is a perfect lead-in to Almost Pizza, possibly the funniest commercial in modern SNL times.
Just discovered by wife while enjoying the ongoing adventure that is our old stuff in Louisiana: a set of Dirty Pair dolls that I bought at A-Kon in 1997 or 1998. According to the internet, they’re actually from 1985 and based on Affair on Nolandia, one of the first (possibly the first) anime we ever watched.
This is just blowing my mind right now. My memory of things I bought at A-Kon (and they were way too many, let’s face it) always focuses on Bubblegum Crisis stuff, and even my Black Lady vinyl model, but I had totally forgotten about these. Talk about a long-lost treasure!
After weeks of relative dryness, it rains today in Beaverton. As I weep for the start of my wife’s two-week trip, so too does the city.
Anonymous asked: Why does mozzarella not = cheese?
Before we get into this, you have to leave your scientific, even fascist definitions of “cheese” at the door. People will toss out terms like milk, and enzymes and culturing, that sort of thing. The bottom line, though is that mozzarella is not a cheese. To understand why, you have to look at what a cheese is.
Cheese’s pungent odors slither through the air, creep up into your nostrils and kick you in the brain when you let your guard down. The quote-unquote “best” cheeses just happen, coincidentally, to smell like my foot after a hard day at the old-sock-wearing-factory. They taste sour and should be considered an actual crime against taste buds. The term “extra sharp” is applied to the strongest cheeses. I believe that adjective refers to the quality of knife you’ll want to stab yourself with.
Cream cheese is just cheese that tries to trick you into trying it by masquerading as a Cool Whip-type substance. (Never again!) Cottage cheese is, all possible joking aside, the single most disgusting food I have ever encountered, and I once watched a person eat natto. Someone once suggested I try it with pineapple. If you took just one of those tiny horrid, watery blob-things that make up cottage cheese and put it inside of an entire pineapple, that might work. But I’m not taking that chance.
Mozzarella is not a cheese by virtue of the duck test. It doesn’t have the foul odor, rancid taste or even texture of cheeses. Note its flexible, stringy appearance versus the crumbly or brittle consistency of “cheese.” Hold a chunk of mozzarella under your nose and sniff. Did your sinuses try to escape? No, because it’s not cheese. Pop some in your mouth. You can barely taste it! This is what makes it perfect on a pizza, where it serves more as a binding ingredient than anything else. Actual “cheeses” leave your taste buds wondering what they did that made you hate them so.
Provolone, similarly, is not a cheese, but that’s mainly because provolone actually is mozzarella. “Provolone” is a North Italian word meaning “mozzarella,” kind of like how they call it “pop” in South Dakota and “soda” in Maine. When the cheese was brought to America from Italy, no one corrected the mistaken identify because it meant they could sell twice as much cheese. That;s the only explanation.
My favorite part of reading about Dashcon so far is the sheer number of posts that use #Dashcon 2014 as a tag. It strikes me as highly optimistic of anyone that there might be a need to differentiate this Dashcon from any potential future Dashcons.
Thank you to the many, many people who sent me such warm birthday wishes today, as well as those of you who drew/are drawing things on the Goggles for me. You’re an excellent bunch of folks, I can see why Nikki keeps you around.
"Purchase Goat Simulator for myself" - truly a phrase I didn’t expect to see me committing to when I woke up this morning.
We’re going to see the Rifftrax of Sharknado tonight. Considering that Sharknado is a movie that practically makes fun of itself, if the universe implodes in a hail of recursiveness, you can blame Rifftrax.
back the fuck up
There’s another story that I like about a Chinese general who had to defend a city with only a handful of soldiers from a huge enemy horde that was in all likelihood going to steamroll the place flat within hours of showing up.
So when said horde did arrive, they saw the general sitting outside the city’s open gates, drinking tea. The horde sent a couple of emissaries over to see what was what, and the general greeted them cheerfully and invited them all to come and take tea with him.
The horde decided that this was a scenario that had “MASSIVE FUCKING TRAP” written all over it in beautiful calligraphy and promptly fucked off.
Whoever that general was, he was clearly the Ancient Chinese equivalent of Sam Vimes.
did he just invite us over for tea nah man i’m out
This just keeps getting better
This is actually a relatively well-known military tactic called the Abandoned or Empty Fort Strategy. The most famous usage of it was by Zhuge Liang (Kongming) when he basically frightened off his rival, Sima Yi, who was approaching with a vastly more powerful force. Zhuge Liang gave the orders to make the place look completely deserted except for a few sweeping servants, and he sat in plain view of the enemy army playing a musical instrument. He was so well-known for his tactics and for being so cautious, Sima Yi was certain that an ambush lay in wait, so he left without conflict.
As a side note, this is yet another reason why Three Kingdoms is one of the greatest books of all time, and I heartily recommend it to everyone who can handle juggling a whole bunch of Chinese names. Here’s an online link to a free version, although it can be clunky to navigate.
I can’t decide which is more telling: that my first reaction to this was “YES! IT’S NOT JUST ME! THANK YOU!” …or that my second reaction was “Huh, I wonder how wide the crust would have to be in order for the promo’s math to be correct.”
Well, I think the actual width of the crust (the size of the pie plate) follows the 30% guideline, but it wouldn’t necessarily be 100% pizza—unless you mean how thick the crust is. If so, it’s your lucky day because I did the math. Measuring our pizza, I found it to be half an inch thick, and about half of that was crust. In order to actually serve 100% more pizza with only 30% more diameter, the pizza needs to be 53% thicker than normal, or about another quarter inch. If that’s all crust, then the crust is essentially doubling in size to about half an inch—still not as thick as a pizza hut pan pizza, but a little more solid and less “fluffy” than that crust anyhow.
It’s not wrong if you assume that “serving size” is a variable based on group composition and circumstance and not a constant. Which is STUPID, but I have to think of these things to preserve my sanity.
You mean like someone performed an intensive psychological profile that says the kind of people who buy a family size are the kind who only take 2 slices instead of 3 and therefore would expect to be able to feed twice as many people with only 30% more pizza? I suppose that could be the answer. All I can say is that it’s a good thing the government doesn’t regulate pizza parlors like they do banks.
Sometimes I hate that my job has trained me to actively look for discrepancies in math.
If you look at the ingredients list and it’s a bunch of words you don’t even know… neither does your body (x)
Just like if you break apples and grapefruit down into their chemical components, I’m willing to bet that most people wouldn’t recognize the “ingredients” either. It’s a bunch of words you don’t even know:
Don’t use these scare tactics - Chemicals aren’t inherently bad. Literally everything is made up chemicals. Trust me, your body knows what niacin is. It knows how to digest fructose and calcium sulfate. Even if you only consume the most basic and “real” foods that are pulled directly off the vine, you’re still ingesting a series of chemical compounds that you probably can’t pronounce. That’s okay.
Bowl of Froot Loops- Ingredients: Loops, Fruit.
"If you look at the ingredients list and it’s a bunch of words you don’t even know… neither does your body"
So… what, do you think your body can’t digest something unless you have a vernacular word telling you what it is? How on earth do you think the digestive system works?
Your body can digest anything, so long as you know what it is. Time to down some arsenic.
It’s funny because apples actually contain cyanide and yet I see that was somehow left out of the label above. If you were to go just by labels alone, apples are actually more deadly than a box of cereal because they contain a known lethal poison.
Of course, the truth is that the amount of cyanide in the apple (in the seeds) is small. There’s no way you would die from eating an apple even if you ate it whole with the seeds and all. But it just goes to show what being afraid of the label can do to you.
things i’m okay with: white male protagonists
things i’m not okay with: literally every protagonist being a white male protagonist
Then you won’t like Free!
are you so diluted with white power that you think the characters in a japanese show, set in japan, at an all japanese school are white.
They even make this extra clear when they show Rin travelling to Australia where his Australian classmates are actually white (like, pale, paler than I would expect anyone in Australia to be, but that’s not the point) - they demonstrate beyond doubt that these characters are actually Japanese. Anyone who watches Free! and comes away with the impression that the cast is caucasian didn’t actually watch Free!
Your Kickstarter Doesn’t Suck. Reading Rainbow Edition.
Thanks to the folks who sent this in. I’m at work but I had to post this immediately. This project is almost to 700k and it still has a month to go! That’s nuts. This is so great and cool and nice. Reading Rainbow and the Bookmobile were a huge part of my life as a kid. THIS IS SO GREAT AND COOL AND NICE.
Put your money in the computer for a nice thing.
Just because my money is spoken for doesn’t mean I can’t signal boost.
I’m reblogging this for signal boost as well. Reading Rainbow is one of the most beloved shows in existence for a reason. This is a tremendously great cause. A person who can’t read is just one of the saddest situations in existence. Think about it, you wouldn’t even be able to enjoy Tumblr right now if you couldn’t read.
The campaign has already met its $1 million goal, on the very first day. That’s the power and worth of Reading Rainbow. But, if you can afford it, please don’t let the fact that they’re past that goal stop you from contributing. Of the people out there that I would trust to spend my money responsibly for a cause, Levar Burton is way up there. His passion and dedication to it is obvious. If I had $10000 to spare, I’d send him to a local school here and just sit in, because that would be the most amazing thing.